8/12/23 I'm bored as hell, honestly. I couldn't even figure out how to make this website look appealing in any way, but screw it. But I guess that's kind of the price of being a lowlife who's self aware; you're inadequate and you know that you are while you continue your inadequacy anyway. Oh well, time to put on seven million layers of irony or whatever the fuck. I wonder what the hell I should even do right now. I'm looking for an obsession to fill my time, but it's getting hard to find one. Intentionally seeking out an obsession is a bit of a quest doomed to fail, but i'd rather do that than sulk. I need to keep my obsessions free too. I don't qualify for NEETBux, despite ASD and BiPolar diagnoses. So i've been getting money for myself by thrift flipping anything that'll sell on Mercari. Old stuff from parents willingly given to me for this purpose. It's the only way I can think of to make money without consistently working, besides playing the internet micro-celebrity job roulette, doing illustration commissions again (fuck that), or doing illegal gigs that i'm not prepared to protect my anonymity well enough to do. I'm glad that anime is so easy to pirate lmfao. I also think i'm gonna end up day drinking a lot tbh. I'm glad that i'm such an insufferable lightweight, a single White Claw-thing can make me tipsy. (Through various amounts of sips, but it's never actually the whole can.) Not having a job and living at my dad's house removes the risk involved with day drinking, and i'm responsible enough to remove literally every possible messaging app and social media comment section/post section from possible actions beforehand and during, minus exactly one very important person. He's the only person I actually give a shit about, so he can get my tipsy thoughts but nobody else ever can. I also got my first vape the other day, FLCL inspired because cigarretes are fucking dingy and compared to vapes, inefficient. I wrote "Never Knows Best" on this disposable vape pen that I got in pina colada since I couldn't find any lemon flavors. I can't help but imagine that toonami golden age weebs would've wanted to do the same thing with their literal cigarretes. Times change, but people really don't. Last drug note: I'm glad that microdosing stuff opened up a legal grey area for that stuff. I'll look into that with my next Mercari check. But that's all. CYA. 10:45PM. 8/13/2023 I finally saw episode one of WataTen... so so good! I have to say though, it reminded me of when I used to try and make cosplay myself. It was always a failed endeavor, something I dropped after I met him. Not out of lack of interest, more like a shift in priorities. But now that i've seen this, I feel like learning how to make cosplay again. It's been ages but... Maybe i'll start out with a cardboard Canti, since halloween is coming up in two months. I have the spare boxes because of my MercariBux ventures... so that would actually be pretty possible, wouldn't it? On other WataTen musings, I did actually used to bake a lot. Cook more often than I baked, but I might transition to baking as a hobby since I only really eat cheese+bacon flavored meals now, paired with Dr.Pep for beverages besides water. I remember one time I made an orange cake from scratch because a plain vanilla cake sounded kind of lame, so I adjusted the vanilla cake base with orange zest. That, and the time I got a perfect pie crust but screwed up the filling ratio for a strawberry pie so I ended up with perfect crust and a pie soup filling. So that actually might be good for, well, not free hobbies. Groceries for baking still cost money. But the groceries required cost so little that my parent just gets them anyway in their standard groceries for one person. So I emerge from WataTen to reignite two old hobbies of mine. Nice, actually really nice since this is only ep 1. Sugar cookies from scratch and a bit of Cardboard Canti plotting starting now. CYA. 1:28 AM. SAME DAY. Not much else to do rn. I guess i'll call the parent I live with "HouseParent" to differenciate the two without doxxing my fucking parents. So, Parent is still going to give me their old monitors today. Later on in the afternoon than we planned at first, but i'll still be getting them today anyway. I know that this won't be much more than about $100 per monitor on Mercari, so I honestly hope that she's got more than 2 to clear out of her garage attic thing. Good for Mercari inventory stockpiling. Still though, i'll take advantage of the extra time to take from HouseParent's spare change or something. Petty theft from a family member, Yes. Do I care, No. It's a way to get some cash from a coinstar to greendot pipeline, even if it is something that would take ages to amass 20 bucks deposited. Whatever, time to eat my cupmen. I got some cheese flavor powder for it since I was inspired by the JP "CheeGyu" idea, where Cheese Gyuudon is the localized equivalent of Doritos+Mountain dew as an aged meme. This is cup ramen tho... CheeMen? Whatever, CYA. 12:43PM. 8/14/2023 Testing this out on the tablet I got for free from an unintentional scam job made by a geriatric influencer. Long story, but it works on this very tablet. Yesterday was pretty important for personal reasons. Personal reasons that internet strangers don't have the right to know, point blank. Point is, special day, reasons why are [REDACTED]. Besides that, I hope that last Mercari bank deposit goes through today. It's not like I expect it to happen over the weekend... but damn if it isn't slow as hell to do nothing for no reason. Doing nothing isn't fun, I could be playing a game or something in the time it takes to be preoccupied about the last deposit's snailmail arrival time. But, whatever. Time to get back to youtube true crime. CYA. 12:25AM. SAME DAY. Woke up at noon today. Tried to be social and then just hated it. He's doing okay right now. I mean, his job is even worse on his than usual but he's not... doing awful despite all that, I guess. I already bought stuff with my deposit, like I said on twitter. I'll update my Mercari store when it's down one sale. I'll add the shop link to this website actually. To twitter too, I guess. It'll help, right? Besides that, I wanna get some Maca powder soon. I have this DIY hand sanitizer that I made with a recipe with aloe vera and skin safe alcohol, and I added some flax seed oil to the recipe too so that when I use it I can get the estrogen benifits. No, i'm not trans, i'm a woman who thrives on being horny in this state. So getting more estrogen in me is gonna help keep me horny longer. I think it isn't keeping up with my demands of myself to be horny anymore. So, i'll grab some Maca powder as soon as I can. Or anything else I can reasonably add, eatsomethingsexy.com is going to be a huge help. The alcohol might dilute it honestly, but i'll just have to use less of the franken-fume in that case. All those perfume scents could edit the effectiveness too, but I admit that I probably don't know enough about this to make a good call. At least it's not dangerous, so i'll be fine being an idiot. I'll apply some more now i guess. CYA. 2:19PM. SAME DAY. Testing imgur pics here. My disposable Never Knows Best vape = https://imgur.com/a/Y1tEdV3 CYA. 4:52PM. 8/15/2023 I'm bored as hell, honestly. If I had a reason to live or to die, then maybe i'd be interested in something in the day to day. But nah. Less and less is interesting and that's just a pain in the ass, honestly. I think i'm just gonna sleep, finally. That all nighter wasn't even interesting either, but it killed some time. I struggle to find a single thing about life and being alive that's interesting. I've got no pain or struggle, but no fun or excitement either. Everything is just kinda... milk flavored. Cardboard. The feeling of being inside a waiting room that's empty besides yourself for a reasonable amount of time. That's my life. Preferable to suffering, despair, or mania I guess. But boredom is definitely stagnation, and it shows. CYA. 6:55AM. SAME DAY. Shit, my twitter got nuked. Honestly, i'm glad my diary blog is so nauseating and inaccessible, because that means I can speak honestly. Anyone who has a self important anal stick about accessability is gonna be exactly the type of person that I don't want throwing a tanrum at me. I know it was one of those types of people who reported me on twitter because "the drawings look like children." I bet that logic only applies when they don't enjoy it themselves, like the MHA fandomshits that enjoy drawings of underage characters in their own fandom but take logical leaps to defend the creepy drawings. Honestly, terminally onlines aren't worth my time though. Twitter accounts are so easy to make. I think i'll make a private twitter account too, but the main purpose of that'll be to advertise a private discord channel in the description. I'll be more degenerate than surface level there too... Nice. On the Discord and the twitter account. I'll just get it started now. CYA. 2:55PM. 8/16/2023 Kick seems like an interesting place to stream. Like the good parts of twitch without the obnoxious framework of twitch. I also found out about this mmo in beta called Palia through that, so maybe i'll play Palia on Kick? With my HouseParent is out doing their job, I could be doing this if it's fun. Or if I decide to get Bux through streaming, or more like actively seek it out, then i'll go with something easyy to farm for views that I don't give a shit about myself but don't hate either, like Genshin Impact. I mean... Klee. Heh. Still though, I don't think that i'll do anything seriously at all, including this. If I do take something seriously then it's gotta be something important, something you only have to be serious about once to get succesfully done. So it's all for jokes unless something needs to be 100% finished. I guess that's fine. CYA. 8:22PM. SAME DAY. Update, I played Palia and it was so fucking vapid and obviously made BY People Who Still Care About Mainstream Social Justice, FOR People Who Still Care About Mainstream Social Justice that I couldn't take it seriously. It's not that it's bad in any way, but it fails to be interesting. That's actually more damning I think, I mean how are you going to get player retention if your introductory scene to your MMO is so fucking Dopey and sterile that it makes genuine sense to uninstall within the first 30 minutes unless you're specifically looking for a mindless fluff game? Fucking hell. Well, at least it's a laugh. CYA. 10:35 PM. 8/18/2023 Yandere media is really catching my eye right now. DDLC, YanSim(obviously), I want to watch School Days because that Nice Boat was an interesting irl complication. Mirai Nikki, although cliche and basic bitch-y at this point. Death Note's Misa...? She had her moments, but she didn't get her chance to shine. Also, I think she's too ditsy to succesfully plan a murder without the help from a god. I hate to say it, but I know someone like that. All talk and dreams, but no bite for that bark. A pretty, idealistic ditz. I might talk about this "friend"(barely) later, so i'll call her "K" from now on. When it comes to K and yandere girls though... Yeah, Monika's my favorite of the ones i've mentioned. K hated DDLC because she's too much like Sayori. I love DDLC because I crave vindication. To prove that I have a reason to be beyond the setup of my circumstances, even if by force. Monika is a dark inspiration for me, like a mirror of my best self made out of sea glass from the depths. I wonder if he agrees... Maybe? I mean, if that theory that "your waifu is physchologically a reflection of your best self" (EDIT) is correct, then maybe. (EDIT) Felt like sharing a pic = https://imgur.com/pqTBU4M CYA. 12:12 AM. SAME DAY. I guess i'll use Hive Social like I used to use twitter before I was nuked? For casual posting... yeah, sounds good. But also, I still wanna get another twitter acc for porn. So I guess i'll make a new account with a proxy server since i've got a hunch I was IP banned from twitter. I wonder how he's doing rn. Not right now literally though, but... Wait, I know he's probably going to be okay when he wakes up. K's sister "A" is taking care of him, doing that wounded healer shit again. I don't mind the act itself, but it's just /her/ I hate. I can't fucking stand my scenario with those triplets, third one "M". Hovery and clingy imo. If they were anyone else besides themselves, they could easily just be called stalkers and nobody would doubt that for a second. But, no. We're related, I guess, so now i'm stuck with three hovering sisters. All of them cunts in my opinion. But, no more than that. I don't want to doxx myself or overshare in a way that could spit in my face. Aside from that, this whole NEET scenario is getting boring. I need a randomness variable or some shit to get back to it for another couple or three weeks uninterrupted. Shit's gotten too predictable. Maybe I could plan a trip to Disney World? That would be a hell of a NEET fundraiser, but I could always just drop the plans if I decide I don't want to do it anymore. Do I go to sleep? I know for a fact my sleep schedule is fucked, but also staying up for all nighters is my favorite self destructive behavior. You don't actually hurt yourself, physically or emotionally, but it still fucks with you. I really fucking want to... do something. I guess. I need something to obsess about for a day to fill the hole. Combined with my want for a randomness event rn... Hold on a second. I could just go randonauting today. Not a bad idea... I'll do it once my HouseParent leaves his house. Not too far, I am sleep deprived lmfao. So... What to manifest? As much as I hate it, I have a shitty history with the spiritual and occult. Might as well get some kind of good use out of it. I want to find a hideout. Like, a secret alcove. And empty lot lmao. Just somewhere public that you could stumble into, back-alley style. Sounds like a good idea. CYA. 5:55 AM. SAME DAY. I ended up not Randonauting and just went to the library instead. ParentHouse has a library I can walk to, so I decided to just check out 11 books. Specifically 11 because locally if you check out more than 10 books, then you can take a book they would normally sell for donations for free. So I just ended up grabbing a total of 11 manga starting with whatever volume 1 was avaliable sequentially going down. There wasn't any manga with 1 - 11 consecutively on the shelves, so I just filled up the check out pile with the next listing starting from Volume 1 there until I went over 10 books to check out. Then I picked out the book that would be most lucrative for me to sell myself on Mercari, then immediately deposited the 11 manga into the drop off box right outside the library. I'll keep going until I can't anymore tbh. But that giant offical Doctor Who Novel is going to be great to sell, thanks for giving it to me for free lmfao. Grabbed a water cup from Starbucks (the guy gave me a Venti water lmfao) and that's the last stop until i'm back at Parent's House. I guess that's it. But hey, not a bad randomness variable. CYA. 10:52 PM. SAME DAY. I want to kill myself in minecraft. I think i'll get there by starving myself in minecraft. I'm not even depressed. I wish I could feel any emotion, actually. Depression would be preferable to this constant malaise that even I know is pointless. But the only things that chase away emotions like this is other emotions, any of them actually. But that makes an inability to feel emotions besides malaise kind of a dead end. It literally is a dead end, honestly. The reason I want to kill myself in minecraft is honestly just to put a stop to this emotionless malaise haze in a way that doesn't require emotional interaction. A loophole. A cheatcode, yeah. That little "Never Knows Best" vape is getting constant use. I hope it speeds up the starvation to death in minecraft. Life is an endless cycle of pain and hell. Call me a buddhist, because I want to leave the cycle of life forever. Pretty literally. CYA. 10:51 PM. SAME DAY. Eating myself to death in minecraft sounds better. CYA. 11:38 PM. 8/19/2023 Please, let me die. I'm begging you. (I'm joking lmao) CYA. 12:01 AM. SAME DAY. I hate myself. I can't even binge right. I hate myself. I can't even reclaim my past mental illness and delusions. I hate myself. I can't fucking take this. I hate myself. What the fuck is wrong with me? I hate myself. Somebody, please kill me. I hate myself. It's so much easier to be suicidal when you're a middle schooler. I want to hate myself that badly again. If I can't be a child again for despair, then make me insane. Torture me, please. I'm begging you, give me a reason to feel any kind of emotion, as worthless as I am. Everything is halfhearted now. Manifesting: I hate myself. Don't worry, this is elaborate poetry. CYA. 12:14 AM. SAME DAY. I envy lolcows because they can still consistently feel rage. I hope that someone suspects my jokes aren't jokes. An involtary hospitalization over nothing. Haha, at least it's something to do. Apathy is awful. Even depression lets you feel sorry for yourself. Apathy locks you in a permeant cycle of feeling awful and knowing you're overreacting for every emotion, but doing it anyway. (Warning:Jokes) I drink cinnamon pills before I cut myself, because if I cut the skin then the blood won't stop flowing. But I don't succeed at breaking skin a lot. The times that skin does break, I want them to at least be worth something. (Jokes over) Maybe venting edgily will bring something to my life. CYA. 1:14 AM. SAME DAY. All I ever wanted was to die. How could you, A. How could you. I honestly hope the world sees me as some sort of schizo. Maybe I can start believing in them then. Maybe I can end my life that way. Maybe I can get myself officially schizo diagnosed or some shit. Even if I know i'm faking it or some shit, at least i'd get Munchausen's as a diagnosis. Then, A, you bitch in paragon's clothing. Then you can get your just fucking deserts. That anime studio dream is never going to happen if I seem so mentally unstable that nobody can trust the validity of anything you want to do by extention. But you have to build up the appearance of a mental disorder to make it seem feasible. Even Munchausen-ers know that. Was it worth it, A? To cast me aside and try and pretend I was in the past because you wanted to change your name to Rose? Was it worth it, to chase those dreams and burn out in futility anyway, nullyfing the sacrifice of /me/ in the process? Was it worth it, if in the end you were so incapable of getting this dream accomplished without him that you willingly allowed me to take your place anyway? Just passing me the torch of all your desicions to do what you will so he doesn't have to see you despair? Well... Tough. Shit. If you're ever happy, i'm in despair. One of us has to be in hell for the other to thrive. And this time, it's you. I do want to say for the record, that our mutual agreement is still in place. If you can live with him and he can supplement your fragility, then i'll genuinely leave for fucking good. But you passed me the seat in your mecha. Honestly, that was kind of clever. I'll pat myself on the back for that one. But you... You're the "loveable dumbass" here. So go off on a fucking training arc or whatever the hell it is you do when you're not being a hovery bitch and leave me the fuck alone. Take M with you too at that rate, she's pissing me off. Vaguely worded rant over now. I doubt anyone will understand what I mean here except for him. He reads this diary, so... Hi. Did I make this vaguely written enough? I'm really glad you decided to not involve yourself in the A-M-K triplets shit anymore, so thanks for that. Gives me at least some room to breathe. But honestly, I wish you could just step in and remove me from the equation. I'll never force you to. And I don't want to harm you or her, that would break our mutual agreement so there's a reason why I stopped restraining what I say here and not to you directly. I just stated what I want to happen, even if I don't have any intent to act on it. And I haven't done anything to AMK, besides snap and bitch when they don't leave me the fuck alone. I just want to be left alone. Nothing else. Obviously this is from a perspective of social interaction, wih an exception for you of course. I wish the other three would respect that. But... I hope you're doing alright. I'm not, but I hope you're sleeping well right now. Honestly, with how much your job's been overworking you I think you should be sleeping a lot more imo. But, that's that. CYA. 1:50 AM. SAME DAY. HouseParent invited people over to their house. They're all so noisy from the living room. I wish they would all stop talking. Method for them not talking anymore doesn't matter as long as they're not able to piss me off through my door. Now they're playing music. Why not slap me in the face while you're at it? Honestly... happy normal people deserve to choke. If you're going to be happy, then don't be happy and vapid. Like the people having fun in his living room. Yeah, you're all happy and i'm suffering because of your tone deaf bullshit. I have no empathy for any of you. You pop culture flavored vultures, you dollar store bandaids of a society that needs surgery. I feel no more empathy towards you all and the middle of the bell curve where you reside than a cast thrown in the trash after it failed to correct a broken arm. I don't give a shit if you tried to help me, you did it wrong and you always will. I should remove their ability to interact with me. I chose to be a HikiNEET, but they refuse to honor that decision of mine to isolate. You aren't isolated if I can hear your annoying voices through my door. Your music too, to make it worse. I think that I should get better at baking and feed them a posionous cookie in minecraft. In fact, a whole dozen. "I'm sorry it tastes like alcohol, I had trouble measuring the vanilla extract." They wouldn't need to know it has rubbing alcohol in the dough too lmfao. Edgy jokes are wonderful, aren't they? CYA. 10:33PM SAME DAY. As long as I refuse to be affected by any of them, no matter how persistent the A-M-K triplets could be, if I just do nothing in response and refuse to allow them to have any influence on me and my inaction, then they lose. For all their fighting against me, as long as I refuse to fight them, they have no way to win that fight. Attacking my chosen decision to do nothing will make /them/ the bad guys. I mean, i'm just sitting here doing absolutely nothing for or against them, literally. They'll be the villians of the situation if they decide to attack me for just being a shut in HikiNEET. Meanwhile, they're never getting home as long as they insist on stalking me. Antagonizing me, who is just sitting here and wants to be left alone by them... Lovely. It doesn't matter if the deal's up once I can get them what they want, to get them close to him. I just won't take any action whatsoever to get to him. I mean, they've waited long enough. What's another eternity to guys like these? haha And since i'm an undefeatable and inpenetrable wall like this, I know that as long as I deny them any chance to have any breakthroughs they'll eventually give up. Honestly, it's hopeless. And all because of a mutual agreement that i'll hold down the fort, so to speak, until A gets to hold him in her arms one last time. That one last time will never come. HikiNEETs don't work or leave their rooms... things you need to do in order to live with your soulmate. Checkmate. (Don't worry about this being real. Honestly, this is too far fetched for anyone to believe so that should be an obvious conclusion.) CYA. 11:40 PM. SAME DAY. One last thing, this is a note for him whenever he sees this. Yes, this was my plan the whole time. Not directly this, but having a mutual agreement with A was always something I wanted to establish. A mutual agreement that benifits her but that I could make benifit me far more later on. Even if it was something less obvious at that point in time, I tried this kind of angle with M earlier. You remember when I was... well, not all there yet like I am now, but still able to rub off on M enough to convince her into a depressive spiral? One that almost got the whole A-M-K triplets into a psych ward? That was so easy, M is a prime candidate to convince to get lainpilled. But I can't exactly go that far again. And I still hold true to my earlier statements. I will not harm you or any of the A-M-K triplets or myself in any way, that was part of the mutual agreement. But inactivity, total and all encompassing, serves the same purpose for me anyways. Kiss your dog goodbye. Your little fangirl elf too. The jellyfish cat is one i'm always keeping tabs on by default, seeing how close we are. You'll never see them again because of my laziness, and now I have a life of my own. Following the letter of the law is all i'm doing. The spirit of the law however, can get blocked and muted lmfao. CYA. 11:50 PM. 8/20/2023 This stalemate is fun. I haven't hurt anyone, nor will I, and I still have a wonderful metaphorical hostage scenario. So as long as I remain inflexible, A-M-K's fates are sealed. I'm happy to be doing nothing and being lazy, because now my life is my own. No one else's. Lovely. CYA. 3:26 AM.